Lloydy and Dave live in a location where the NBA draft commences at 7.30am on a Friday morning. For the past three years, it’s been a perfect reason for them to take the day off, commence proceedings with a whiskey and dry (or two) and watch the NBA draft with their big boards in hand. They’re joined by Stu again this year (and his big Dick Vitale-based board) and take you along for the ride with their second NBA draft diary.
The process is simple (for a three person game): if someone gets a pick right, and the others don’t, they each drink a double shot of a 40% liquor of their choice. If two get a pick right while the other doesn’t, the loser drinks double that.
Is there really anything you’d rather be doing at 7.30am? I didn’t think so.
7.14am (Lloydy) – Mike Wilbon’s on the panel this year with Jalen, Bilas and what seems like the annual token white guy compere to fill in the gaps with some vanilla inanity. Wilbon comes out swinging straight away:
‘I don’t need to hear from LaVar Ball. I want to hear from Lonzo’
What is LaVar going to say that will add to my enjoyment of Lonzo… Nothing!
Long winded as always, but who could disagree? Sorry Mike, but your wish is highly unlikely to be granted.
7.16am (Dave) – I can’t stand LaVar Ball. If things keep going as they are he’s a lock to join the “Worst Celebrity Dads of All-Time” list just behind Joe Jackson and Marvin Gaye Sr.
7.38am (Lloydy) – Philly’s on the clock. Will they take the full five minutes again this year over an obvious, consensus no. 1 – just to shit everyone off?
Lloydy, Dave and Stu all have Fultz, so there won’t be any drinking here…
7.41am (Lloydy) – And it’s Fultz. Mercifully, the 76ers didn’t use the full five minutes. Looks like they learned a bit of courtesy and realised we’ve all got families to
go home to come home to our drunk sorry asses.
Bilas calls Fultz a James Harden clone while Jalen compares him to Bradley Beal. Given that he’s not left handed, doesn’t have a beard, isn’t 6’5” or a shooting guard, I’m not sure about these comparisons. Was it too hard to say John Wall or maybe Gary Payton… or Voshon Leonard?
For a no. 1 pick, he sure looks like someone just stole his favourite childhood toy. Is he going to be this exciting for the next 15-20 years?
7.44am (Stu) – Is that bowtie of his some cardboard stuck on fabric?
7.46am (Lloydy) – The Lakers are about to pick. Lonzo’s looking pretty expectant there. Will the Lakers throw a spanner?
7.51am (Lloydy) – Nope. And we’re all 2 for 2 on our big boards.
Bilas says he’s basically Jason Kidd, while Jalen compares him to Ricky Rubio. Ummm, you mean with a shot?
And now they’ve wheeled out LaVar for an interview. Fuck. Nobody can make any sense of what he’s saying. You figure it out…
As for Lonzo, I really like the look of his game. He even shoots the ball like an NBA JAM character:
7.53am (Dave) – We’re told Lonzo’s mum suffered a stroke recently, watching that interview are we sure LaVar isn’t suffering one right now? Also, Lonzo sort of looks like Drake with a crack habit.
Everything going according to script at the moment.
7.54am (Lloydy) – Things are about to get interesting here. Dave and I have Tatum at no. 3. Stu has Jackson. Who’s gonna drink?
TRADE – CHICAGO TRADES BUTLER AND THE NO. 16 PICK TO MINNESOTA FOR LAVINE, DUNN AND THE NO. 7 PICK!!!
And to think Wade opted in to his last year!
I really like this one for Minnesota. The Bulls… not so much. At least they get another point guard who can’t shoot to add to their stable in Dunn and another one with suspect knees in LaVine. You’ve got to give them points for consistency.
Come to think of it, we’re all wondering just what it is Chicago has done here. Is there anyone they can pick at no. 7 that can save this?
7.56am (Dave) – Great trade for the Timberwolves. They’ve absolutely Cosby’d the Bulls here. GarPax are going to need a long, hot shower after they wake up from this one.
7.57am (Lloydy) – Without any real time to absorb Chicago’s trade disaster, the Celtics take Tatum and Stu drinks a double double. Looks like USA Today was right on this one.
You have to think Jackson is up next, which means another double double for Stu if it happens. What a good start to the morning!
7.58am (Stu) – Sometimes you can look at these guys’ faces and see star potential.
7.59am (Lloydy) – I agree, but in this case, all I see is a guy who looks a bit like Otto Porter. Dave says he sees a black guy. How profound.
8.02am (Lloydy) – The Suns take Jackson at no. 4. Happy days for Stu. That’s 4 for him and none for Lloydy and Dave so far. Has Vitale lost it?
Jalen compares Jackson to Iguodala. Hmmm, you kinda want more than that for a no. 3 pick. Don’t you? Jalen’s come out exceptionally harsh with his comps for the top 3 picks.
And it’s now over to the Kings. I wonder if they’re saying this in their war room:
Fox? Fox? Fox? Everyone together: Fox rocks!
8.09am (Lloydy) – No controversy here strangely. The Kings take Fox. Jalen compares him to Elfrid Payton. Again, I think they’re hoping for more than that out of this pick.
‘Speed kills and you can’t really teach it’ – nicely put DeAaron.
He’s also got some shit stiched into the inside of his suit which nobody seems to care about BECAUSE IT’S ON THE INSIDE. Seriously, that stitching could be about his mom and I still wouldn’t give a quarter of a dog’s diarrhea laid out on a lawn.
I’m sorry, what was that? It was about his mom? Oh.
Dave and Lloydy are a perfect 5 for 5. That’s about to end. Lloydy’s got Isaac. Dave has Smith. Stu has Isaac. C’mon Isaac!! Do it for Abraham and Moses says Stu…
8.14am (Dave) – 5 for 5! I might have to frame this big board and stick it on the mantle. How long can we really expect this to keep up?
8.16am (Lloydy) – And it’s Isaac!!! Dave gets a double double! 4 for Stu, 2 for Dave and 0 for Lloydy.
8.16am (Dave) – Ahhh crap.
8.17am (Lloydy) – Bilas says ‘get ready to drink: he’s got ridiculous length and wingspan’. Dave’s on to it.
I see a little bit of Chris Bosh in this one.
And now it’s over to the Bulls, who have the no. 7 pick from the Wolves from the Butler trade.
Dave’s got Isaac here and is running dead. It’s between Lloydy (Smith) and Stu (Markannen). Can Lloydy extend to a perfect 7 to start?
8.22am (Lloydy) – It’s fucking Markannen. That’s 4 for Stu, 3 for Dave and 1 for Lloydy.
What the fuck is Chicago doing here? He can’t rebound, can’t defend and will easily be the softest seven footer in the league. But he can apparently shoot threes. So, I guess we’ve got the second coming of Brad Lohaus on our hands then? To be fair, he’s a lot more agile than that:
For Chicago fans out there, here is your current starting lineup in light of the Butler trade, LaVine’s knee – and the fact that Wade and Rondo have almost zero chance of sticking around now:
- Zipser (because Hoiberg loves him for some bizarre reason)
That leaves Portis, Markannen and Joffrey on the bench. I don’t think I could ruin a team as efficiently as this in the space of six months if I tried.
They really should have taken a swing on Dennis Smith here.
8.23am (Dave) – How many locker room jokes are there going to be with this guy? Is he Finnish? Can I Finnish? Please can I Finnish? Ok, I’m Finnish. Are you Finnish?
8.24am (Lloydy) – Jalen compares him to Channing Frye. Stu says ‘I didn’t see no Channing Frye in the NBA Finals’. Exactly.
8.27am (Lloydy) – The Knicks take Ntilikina at no. 8. Stu has him. Lloydy and Dave drink. Fucking Dick Vitale’s making a big board comeback!
That’s 4 for Dave, 4 for Stu and 2 for Lloydy so far.
Fraschilla says he has 14% all star potential (best in draft) and 59% bust potential. Riiiiight.
Unbelieveable, he’s got to go back to Europe straight after this to play a winner takes all game 5. What a great effort on his part. I like him already.
8.29am (Dave) – The fans seem to approve of this pick. That’s good news for Phil, maybe it buys him some more time before Knicks fans create a mutiny. (Ed’s note: Phil Jackson was fired as Knicks President six days later).
8.34am (Lloydy) – Dallas takes Smith at no. 9. A good value pick here for them if they can get his head straight. I see a bit of Stevie Franchise in him. Unbelievable. Jalen says the same! Lloydy gets a warm round of applause from Dave and Stu.
It’s official. We don’t like the interview chick. She’s useless. Stu – “I like her hair, but that’s about it.”
Sacramento is up next at no. 10. They’ve got Fox and Hield – do they really take Malik Monk? Lloydy hopes not – he’s got Zach Collins here. Dave’s got Markannen and is running dead. Stu’s got Zach Collins too. Dave could be in for some real hurt here. Dave’s praying for the Monk. His years of avoiding church could come back to bite him here.
TRADE!!!! Sacramento trades pick 10 to Portland in return for picks 15 and 20.
And the suspense builds…
8.40am (Lloydy) – and it’s now Portland taking Zach Collins at no. 10!!! Dave’s got himself a double double there. That’s 6 for Dave, 4 for Stu and 2 for Lloydy.
And Jalen compares him to Bill Laimbeer.
Dave says ‘if only’.
He hugs Silver. Two white guys doing a black man hug. Nice.
And Monk keeps slipping. Must be his love affair with long range twos.
Would Charlotte really take Kennard over him? Surely not. That said, Jordan does love his white college heroes…
8.48am (Lloydy) – And they take Monk at no. 11. A great value pick here for Charlotte.
He looks really disappointed. He must know that MJ owns the joint and is involved in personnel decisions.
Either way, Kemba, Monk, Batum, Howard looks half ok. Doesn’t it?
Jalen compares him to Lou Williams. Not sure that’s so great, but Jalen’s playing tough this year.
8.50am (Dave) – Some redneck in the crowd is wearing a Monk jersey and holding what looks suspiciously like the confederate flag while the panel makes a lot of “Malik Monk is the best squirrel hunter in the draft” jokes. What’s going on? I can’t tell if this is racist or not.
Lloydy and Stu have Kennard up next. Dave’s got Mitchell…
8.53am (Lloydy) – And Detroit takes KENNARD at no. 12!!! That’s another double double for Dave. He wants to try Vodka this time around.
I’m not sure he’s got the tools to compete at the NBA level. He looks like he’s trudging through sludge. But he’s crafty. Maybe he can be the next Joe Ingles?
That’s 8 for Dave, 4 for Stu and 2 for Lloydy.
We’ve all got Anunoby next on our big boards, so a bit of respite for Dave. Does anyone in the world NOT have him at no. 13 on their big board?
8.55am (Dave) – Thank fuck for that. After starting 5 for 5 I am now 5 for 12. I’ve changed my mind about framing and hanging this big board.
8.58am (Lloydy) – The Nuggets take Mitchell at no. 13 and have sent him off to the Jazz in a trade – because the Jazz need yet another sub 6’3” guard…
Nobody yet knows what the Nuggets are getting back yet. I’m sure we’ll find out soon. (Ed’s note: Nuggets receive pick 24 and the underwhelming Trey Lyles)
Jalen ribs Wilbon on the Butler trade – YOU GOT FLEECED!!!! They sure did.
9.06am (Lloydy) – Miami takes Adebayo in the first major surprise of the draft. This looks like a real reach. Not many had him going anywhere in the first round, let alone at no. 14. It’s not encouraging that his name kind of rhymes with Caboclo.
9.13am (Lloydy) – Portland takes Justin Jackson at no. 15. And wouldn’t you know, both Stu and Dave have him here on their big boards. Lloydy has a double double. 8 For Dave, 4 for Stu and Lloydy.
9.14am (Dave) – Seems like Jackson is on his way to Sacramento as part of the previous Zach Collins trade. Surprisingly, this looks to be a good pick up for the Kings at the SF position with Rudy Gay likely not returning.
Chicago (Minnesota) is up next – Lloydy and Dave have Jared Allen. Stu has Harry Giles.
9.19am (Lloydy) – And the Wolves take Justin Patton at no. 16. Yet another 6’11” guy with absolutely no meat on his bones whatsoever. This from NBA Draft Net probably says all we need to know:
Redshirt freshmen, will be 20 years old by the draft … Will need time to develop … Could end up spending the better portion of his rookie year in the D-League, rather than in the NBA … Very raw and needs to continue to build on the foundation of his game that he has … Has gotten stronger during his time at Creighton, but is still skinny for a big man, and may always be a bit on the thin side … Must show that he has the strength to bang and hold his own with NBA big men
Bruno Caboclo anyone?
Milwaukee’s up next. Dave’s running dead on Patton. Lloydy and Stu have John Collins. Here’s hoping Dave’s line’s up his 9th and 10th shots…
Is it just me or is it getting longer between picks? I reckon the GMs have no idea who the rest of these guys are either. It’s been 7 minutes now…
Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? They just keep asking Callipari more bullshit questions without realising how far over time this is all going.
We’ve got a fucking double double on the line here…
9.29am (Lloydy) – and the Bucks take DJ Wilson at no. 17. You lucky bastard Dave. The Bucks love a good reach and this is no excepetion. After Giannis and Maker, you’d have to bet on them being on to something here.
9.33am (Lloydy) – Indiana takes TJ Leaf. Of course they take a limited big white guy.
Oh, and Stu has him. Fuck.
That’s 9 for Dave, 5 for Lloydy and 4 for Stu.
Stu asks: ‘We’re not doing the second round are we?’ Fuck no, that would be a fate worse than death. I’m having a tough enough time giving enough of a shit about these mid-first rounders.
9.38am (Lloydy) – Atlanta takes John Collins at 19.
9.39am (Dave) – I’ll be honest, I know very little about John Collins. We’re told he had the highest PER in the nation last season. (19-10, 26.6mpg, 35.9 PER). Yep, that’s pretty efficient.
9.40am (Lloydy) – Is it just me, or are Atlanta’s draft picks always the most boring every year? Unless you were one of those people that somehow cracked a fat over Taurean Prince last year? Did I even spell his name right? I don’t care enough to look it up.
9.44am (Lloydy) – Portland takes Harry Giles at 20.
9.45am (Dave) – YEEEESSSSS!!!! Fuck you Lloydy! Fuck you Stu! Fuck you Dick Vitale!
9.46am (Lloydy) – Looks like Dave might have had Giles… and might have had a few.
That’s 9 for Dave, 6 for Lloydy and 5 for Stu.
This pick is going to Sacramento as part of the no. 10 for nos. 15 and 20 swap. A very nice pick here by the Kings. Giles has been ravaged by injuries and probably will never be a star – but he was good enough to be the number one talent out of high school before all the injuries and there may be something there.
I’ll definitely be rooting for him:
Oklahoma’s up at 21 next.
C’mon Ivan Rabb!!! Dave’s got Ferguson (the useless crab) and Stu’s got Jordan Bell. Let the crapshoot begin…
9.51am (Lloydy) – And it’s Terrence Ferguson to OKC at no. 21.
9.52am (Dave) – YEEEESSSSS!!!! Fuck you all again!
That’s 9 for Dave, 7 for Lloydy and 6 for Stu.
9.53am (Lloydy) – This guy’s garbage. He barely averaged 4 points per game in the Australian NBL. Pathetic. At best, he’ll be a crack whore’s Zach LaVine:
Although he has incredible athleticism, he rarely shows it in a game especially in a half court set. Needs to get a lot stronger to make plays through contact … Lacks much in the way of a midrange game … Needs to improve as a ball handler and his playmaking ability … Doesn’t have much wiggle or creativity on offense … He’s a straight line driver and doesn’t break down the defense … Doesn’t have a wide variety to his scoring arsenal … Doesn’t provide much offensively if his shot isn’t falling … He plays well within the offense, but isn’t the type to put the team on his back and score in bunches in times of desperation … Can be passive at times. While the majority of the time (in high school) he’s been both the best athlete and best shooter on the floor, he doesn’t always assert himself as the best player on the floor …
9.55am (Dave) – As somebody who watched almost every game of NBL basketball last season this is a horrible pick by OKC. If he even comes close to resembling an NBA player I will eat my hat. I don’t even own a hat, so I will have to go and buy a new hat just to eat it.
9.56am (Lloydy) – The hats of this world couldn’t be safer.
9.58am (Lloydy) – The Nets take Jarrett Allen at 22. As Forrest Gump would say, ‘that’s all I’ve got to say about that’.
10.05am (Lloydy) – No. 23 Toronto takes OG Anunoby. So this is where he slides to. They’ll have to be patient in waiting for his knee injury to heal, but this could be a very good value pick.
ERNERNOOBY says Silver.
He says he’s gonna rock the short shorts in the NBA! I like him already. Get well soon OG.
10.06am (Dave) – The useless reporter chick asks OG what his favourite type of cheesecake is. It’s investigative journalism at it’s very best here folks.
10.13am (Dave) – The Jazz take Tyler Lydon at pick 24. He looks like he should be playing in Utah. In fact, he looks like he should be going door to door telling people about the Mormon faith. Unfortunately, he’s on his way to Denver as part of the Donovan Mitchell trade.
Jay Bilas mentions he has 13% body fat and should lay off the BBQ’s. Classic Bilas.
10.20am (Dave) – Adam Silver attempts to pronounce Anzejs Pasecniks at pick 25 for Orlando only to sound like he sneezed. Gesundheit Adam.
The correct picks seem to be drying up for everybody. At this stage of proceedings it’s not about hoping you pick correctly, it’s about hoping the other guys don’t pick correctly.
10.26am (Dave) – Caleb Swanigan goes to Portland at 26. Don’t let the name fool you, this guy is a beast in the mould of Zach Randolph. He was homeless as a child and weighed 360lbs in middle-school before transforming himself into the Big Ten POY. Jalen Rose quips “He was a young stretch-mark 4 back in the day”. Brilliant.
If he succeeds in the NBA my money is on a Hollywood movie about his story – an NBA version of ‘The Blind Side’.
10.27am (Lloydy) – I really like this guy. Of course, while it’s great to mention the Randolph ceiling, it would be remiss of me not to mention the Michael Sweetney/Ike Diogu floor. Either way, this guy is on my watchlist for the upcoming season. It could be the first time I’ll have ever given half a piece of dung about Portland.
10.32am (Dave) – Kyle Kuzma goes to the LA Lakers at pick 27 as part of the D’Angelo Russell-Brook Lopez trade.
Another trade!!! The Lakers trade pick 28, up next, to Utah in exchange for picks 30 and 42.
It’s not exactly ‘Jimmy Butler to Minnesota’ on the excitement scale at the moment. But hey, it’s a trade and gets to go in bold with an exclamation mark.
Also, Orlando trades 25th pick Anzejs Pasecniks (Gesundheit!) to Philadelphia for a top-20 protected 2020 1st round pick.
Lakers pick next at 28. Wait, no it’s Utah. All this player movement, and alcohol, is starting to make my head spin.
10.33am (Lloydy) – I can only assume Orlando didn’t want to go through the trouble of trying to say Pasecniks’ name all the time at training and writing it on the ‘injury’ list and D-league forms.
10.37am (Dave) – Utah selects Tony Bradley, a kid with an impressive 7-5 wingspan.
10.43am (Dave) – The Spurs are on the clock now with pick 29, and we all know that whoever they pick will turn into the steal of the draft. That’s just what the Spurs do.
They pick Colorado PG Derrick White who seems to be a carbon copy of last years pick DeJounte Murray. The Spurs now have White, Murray, Tony Parker and Patty Mills at PG. Enjoy the D-League Derrick.
10.49am (Dave) – The LA Lakers end up with the final pick of the first round from Utah and select SG Josh Hart from Villanova. Praise the baby Jesus I haven’t had to have a double shot for over an hour now. I’m just going to lay down on the couch here and rest my eyes for a minute….
And so ends Lloydy and Dave’s 2017 NBA draft diary. We hope you’ve enjoyed the ride and feel more informed about these kids.
Next stop: Summer League.