Chicago – In Joff We Trust

Frustrated with the distinct lack of intelligent coverage on the Bull’s deadline eve trade (Taj Gibson, Doug McDermott and a second round pick to Oklahoma in exchange for Joffrey Lauverge, Anthony Morrow and Cameron Payne), Reader Mike has begged The Dunkyard to step in and make things right. Challenge accepted!

In response to the Pelicans’ AD-Boogie twin towers revival project, Chicago has made its own emphatic statement of intent to the rest of the league – by forming its own big man dynamic duo of Robin Lopez and Joffrey Lauvergne.

As news of deadline eve’s biggest trade sent shockwaves throughout the league, a visibly annoyed Pelicans GM Dell Demps called an immediate press conference to convey his displeasure:

‘Shit, if we had’ve known that Lauvergne was on the market, we never would have done the Boogie trade. A lot of people thought we were scouting the Thunder’s games this season to make a pitch at Westbrook some day, but it was Joffrey we were after.

This really hurts and if this Boogie thing doesn’t work out, people are going to look at this and rightly wonder how we let it happen. I think it also now puts a lot of unfair pressure on Boogie – who’s a fine player and all… but I think it’s safe to say he’s definitely no Joffrey’.

Meanwhile, a positively jubilant Bulls GM Gar Forman could barely contain his euphoria as he addressed the media:

‘Any time you can get rid of your best interior defender and best outside shooter in one hit and bring in a third point guard who can’t shoot and Joffrey Lauvergne, then you absolutely have to do it without thinking before Vlade gets a whiff of what you’re up to.

We were about to do a full teardown and rebuild of our roster and even had Jimmy on the block, but with this trade we can now usher in a new era of Chicago Bulls basketball, give the fans something to really cheer about… and give LeBron some serious food for thought while we’re at it. I still can’t believe we were able to achieve all of this!

Make no mistake, Gibson and McDermott are fine, solid pros who give it their all but, to be honest, we’re very grateful and somewhat surprised that Oklahoma was willing to help us make this deal happen – even if we had to add in a second round pick to get it over the line.

I think it’s safe to say that you can expect to see Robin and Joff playing a lot together – at least 35 minutes a night’.

Forman was also quick to quash rumours that coach Fred Hoiberg had been rushed to hospital on hearing the news as the result of smashing his head into the corner of a filing cabinet – or that the trade was the result of a game of chicken between him and Hoiberg about the latter’s stubborn refusal to play Bobby Portis any meaningful minutes:

‘I’m aware of people saying that sort of stuff – and if we were talking about anyone else here, then I’d think it might make some sense – but we’re talking about Joffrey fucking Lauvergne and I think the trade speaks for itself and makes a complete nonsense of those kind of rumours’.

With his team now seemingly a small-ball sitting duck, a clearly worried Warriors coach Steve Kerr was also interviewed in a Dunkyard exclusive:

I have to admit, we’re surprised we’ve gotten away with this small ball, three point crap for so long. I have to admit, all those threes that Steph and Klay have been hitting for the last three seasons have been a bit of a fluke and there was only so long we could expect them to keep it up. I mean, have you seen how far away from the ring that line is!? It’s really hard to make the ball go in from there. Really hard.

We’re just grateful we could squeeze a championship and a trip to the finals last season out of it all.

But hey, that’s today’s modern NBA for you – if you don’t have two seven footers clogging up the paint, then you’re just not going to win basketball games anymore and we’re definitely going to have to adapt.

The Dunkyard also sought comment on the blockbuster trade from LeBron James. However James has so far declined to comment. It can only be assumed that he’s every bit as rattled as everyone else and clueless as to what to do about it all. Don’t worry LeBron, we all are.


* This post has been written with all respect to poor Joffrey, who’s actually a really decent backup big – but who (together with whatever you might make of Cameron Payne) isn’t worth anything close to Taj Gibson, Doug McBuckets AND a second round draft pick.